Living in a small, white racist town has really made me contain my joy. Anytime, I leave my house–it’s usually with a screw face as I encounter beat up jeeps with Confederation flags and creepy white men staring at me in dark shades with fatigue-print caps on. Wherever I go, people stare. I’m not from ’round here. But guess what? I’m here and I’m about to reclaim my ability to express the natural emotion of happiness and joy.
I experience joy when I see (and especially if I get to meet) other Black people in my town, or wherever I happen to be. A nod of acknowledgment or a “good morning” can set a sista on a brightened journey. No lie. I love when I feel my hair is doing all the talking for me when my lips are too fed up. Unapologetic, KINKY coily hair is beautiful ART. I feel this so confidently that I feel joyous even in a mediocre hairdo. I experience joy when I maintain class, grace, humility, patience in any situation. I feel my best self emerging and growing. This brings me joy. It brings me joy to walk with a group of Black children, one of them usually being my own. It brings me joy to see my son being himself–wild, coily hair out proud and everything!
It brings me joy to exclusively date Black men and have nothing but loyalty, respect and openness with them. It brings me joy to be treated like a queen by a Black man–privately and publicly. It brings me joy to view, touch and caress melanated skin. This is almost like therapy! It brings me joy to catch a joke in Patois from my grandma, or to piss the neighbours off when I’m burning my browning before I cook stew or curry (it’s not my fault I use…flavour). It also brings me joy to share a plate of curry with my neighbours, and show them that yes–Black people do care about recycling and putting out the right decorations at the right time of the year. *roll of eyes*
I’ve lost my ability to conceal my joy because I’m expected to be a caricature of suffering and hostility. I find myself grinning, beaming and letting the excitement enter my voice wherever I am. I’m able to let the light shine in my eyes when I’m truly appeased, laugh at myself at the ice rink or the store and stand with my head and my uniquely beautiful coily hair tall. If you want a disgruntled, angry Black female–that isn’t going to be me. I’ve got too much joy because every day I wake up feeling blessed! I’m not going to let someone decide there is no space for happy, carefree Black people. I’m coming for that space, and it’s going to be a magical space.
Everybody wants a Jay to their Bey. I do get the glam and glitz of having beautiful life partners. Who doesn’t want to wake up to a well-muscled, perfectly-oiled moustached 6″3 chocolate hunk? Maybe it’s the affluent, well-connected lawyer who is charming and smells of fresh money from the bank machine (how come nobody made that smell into a cologne yet?) that has you screaming “wedding bells”. There’s the fine ass brother, who is so obviously a bachelor for life that he has scented lotions and pink slippers ready for you when you come to his pad. And there’s the awkward, maybe not the cutest but not the worst-looking, super sweet normal dude who probably works at IT or knows exactly how to put together IKEA furniture….without the instruction guide.
Choose the awkward dude. For real. He may not make the rounds with a fifty-watt smile at parties, but you won’t have to worry that he’s got his phone on Airplane Mode so you won’t hear his other three side chicks texting, WhatsApping and Facebook Messaging his ass. Unlike the stylish dudes onto every new trend–hoping the girls will follow the trail of Jordans and new fusion restaurants–awkward dude probably has his will written and paid off his college debt. The classy lawyer in Tom Ford cologne might call you up for a booty call, but awkward guy feels no qualms about texting you back right away because he truly wants to talk to you–and not just get in your pencil skirt. The smooth-talking bachelor might hint at marriage to lure you along, but awkward dude will likely be the one who is planning to get down on one knee–instead of tricking you into getting you onto your knees. Choose the awkward dude.
This blog is called ‘ConsciousBlackQueen’. I’m 100% for Black love, but I also believe Black women have been down in the dumps when it comes to marriage and we deserve love–in whatever colour or shade it happens to be. If your hellbent on a chocolate brother, but the brothers are not commiting–and you got yourself a white man who is willing to commit to you…shoot, get that ring, girl. And brothers, don’t lose out on a quality girl because she’s not all the 100 things on your checklist you need her to be–a perfectly Instagrammable wife. Get yourself a real girl, with real flaws, because I’m certain God made you with flaws as well. And ladies, forget the flashy cars and expensive shoes. Is he faithful? Can you trust him? Does this n—- text back?!
When you become awoken, you will be in a state of anger most of the time. And anger can be very beneficial, it can be the fuel to keep you going; but it can also be tormenting to be in a negative state of mind. It can leave you feeling defeated, miserable and dismal. We may even avoid facing consciousness because it attracts such strong emotions.
If you feel overwhelmed by the injustices and wickedness done to the Afrikan people around the world, then attack it from a different perspective. Attack it with positivity.
Growing my son’s locs is something I’m doing as Black Love action. I wear a headwrap as a Black Love action. I smile and seek out Black people as a Black Love action. I buy from Black businesses and individuals as Black Love action. I read Afro-centric books as Black Love action. I celebrate Jankanu and Kwanzaa as a Black Love action. Black Love actions are more powerful than any rhetoric, any theory, any meme, any lip service paid to Black liberation.
So, the next time you feel you are personally fighting a losing battle, do what you are doing out of positivity instead of anger or vengeance or defiance, or indignation. That culture is wicked, they feed on our Black suffering and oppression sadistically, they can feel it and they salivate victoriously. Do them a big one. Use that anger constructively. Build upon the knowledge, the unity and the growing self-love you are creating and make all your actions one of Black Love.